Three mornings ago i woke up with a stiff neck, pain that spread to my upper spine and right shoulder. It hurt to move my head, my right arm and at times even walking was painful. Doctor did the usual. injection, pain tabs and mild tranquilizer to relax the muscles. still, 3 days later, typing this is painful. The pain is gone only while the meds are in my system. Anywho...he did say it will take a few days to heal so im housebound and alone....again. Am assuming the foetal position though. feel like i need nurturing. Sumtimes i want to lash out at the Universe in anger. I even dreamt that i was telling someone in my dream that we had to kill the Universe! lmao! My lifespan is winding down now...i shudnt be this stressed. I shud be jetting my way to Paris, eating croissants at a roadside cafe. Or shopping in Harrods and visiting Agatha Christies birthplace, a request which was turned down after being offered to me btw. Or i shud be eating countless golgappas in dodgy allyways in mumbai, while avoiding runaway cows!!
But alas here i am! Oh well u have to make the best of what u have and one thing i have learnt is that NO ONE can take away ur daydreams, ur dreams or ur imagination. Not even God. So each night as i lay my head down on my pillow which hurts my neck, i go to the land of my dreams in my imagination. I am walking down cobbled streets in old english villages. I am grabbing bargain cashmere sweaters and handbags at Harrods and i am eating panipuri until im sick in Mumbai. Some nights i wakeup crying as i dream of my mom or my dad. Some nights i wakeup in awe after dreaming of an angel or my favourite Deity. Sometimes i am held with love and care by someone whose face i cannot see but whose unconditional love i certainly can feel! And this is how my cup of nuturing is topped up. By my dreams and imagination which no one can take away from me. For even moms need nuturing at times.
Its a cruel judgemental world we moms live in. If we do onto others what they do to us, we will be crucified and burnt alive and put down till all self esteem breaks.. as if we are not humans. The world forgets that moms are human beings too...with a right to feel hurt, feel pain, feel rejected, feel abused, feel embarrassed, etc and a right to love. We are not given a chance to live. Well its best i end this topic of moms right now. perhaps someday i will be writing in a free society for moms where moms will actually be allowed to speak freely without being hated for voicing their honest opinions.
For now im lonely as always. It sucks to be home alone espcially when u are not well. Time to enjoy my own company so with a glass of water i say cheers to you. Thanks for reading.
Peace and Love
Lady S
