ITS 1.11AM, SATURDAY, 2 JULY 2011....ONCE AGAIN THE WORLD AROUND ME IS ASLEEP AND ITS JUST ME AND MY LAPPY...
IVE READ STORIES WHERE THINGS ARE SAID LIKE..."IM IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, STILL I FEEL ALONE...." I REGARDED THESE LINES AS BULLSHIT AT FIRST. HOW CAN U FEEL ALONE WHEN U ARE WITH A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE?? SURELY THERE'S ONE PERSON WHO KNOWS YOU...WITH WHOM YOU CAN FIND COMPANIONSHIP FOR THE TIME YOU ARE THERE, THUS ELIMINATING THIS THOUGHT OF BEING ALONE?? WHAT CRAP I THOUGHT AT THAT TIME...WHAT NONSENSE ARE THESE WRITERS AND FILMAKERS FEEDING US? THIS WHOLE NOTION OF BEING ALONE IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE WAS A ROMANTIC IDEA BEING EXPLOITED BY THE MOVIE WORLD, AND BOUGHT INTO BY FOOLS CAUGHT UP IN THE EMOTIONAL DRAMAS OF THEIR LIVES, BOTH ROMANTIC AND NON ROMANTIC!!
WELL THAT WAS UNTIL I FOUND MYSELF SURROUNDED BY A STILLNESS THAT WAS EATING INTO MY BEING SLOWLY AND ONE DAY, I BECAME THAT PERSON THINKING...I FEEL ALONE EVEN WHEN I AM IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE. RIGHT NOW AS I RIGHT THIS, I SIT ALONE IN MY SANCTUARY, ALSO KNOWN AS MY BEDROOM...A LONELY, GHOSTLY FIGURE POUNDING AWAY AT HER LAPTOP KEYBOARD IN HER DIMLY LIT ROOM, WHILE HER MIND RACES TO WIN THE RACE HER HEART IS HAVING WITH THE STILLNESS, THE LONELINESS AROUND HER. BUT THE TRUTH IS, I FEEL ALONE EVEN WHEN I'M IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE....
JUST SITTING HERE ALONE NOW IS MAKING ME THINK ABOUT THIS. IT'S NOT TO SAY THAT I DON'T ENJOY MY OWN COMPANY...I DO! I LOVE THOSE WALKS I USED TO HAVE ON UMHLANGA BEACH ON SPRING MORNINGS, WHEN I USED TO WALK ON THE EDGE OF THE BREAKING WATER AND PRETEND I'M AN INDIAN PRINCESS WHO'S FEET THE WAVES CARESS LOVINGLY...THEN I WOULD SIT ON THE BENCH RIGHT NEXT TO THE LIGHTHOUSE AND DAY DREAM ABOUT SPENDING ROMANTIC MOMENTS IN SAID LIGHTHOUSE WITH MY MYSTERIOUS PRINCE...! I WOULD SIT FOR LONG ON THAT BENCH AND WATCH THE JOGGERS AND MOMS WITH BABIES IN PRAMS, THE FISHERMAN WHO WOULD GIVE ME A SMALL SMILE FROM TIME TO TIME! YES THOSE TIMES BY YOUR LONELY SELF IS JUST SUPERB! AND THE TIMES THAT I SPENT HAVING FRULLATOS AND EATING TOASTED CHICKEN AND MAYO SANDWICHES WHILE READING THROUGH THE ADVICE COLUMNS OF THE LADIES MAGAZINES AT MUGG AND BEAN, A PLACE I FREQUENT A LOT ESPECIALLY WHEN I EAT ALONE. EVEN THERE I SPEND MY TIME LOOKING AT MY FELLOW LUNCH EATERS, STUDYING THEIR FACES, MAKING UP STORIES ABOUT THEIR LIVES, WHO THEY WITH, WHETHER IT'S A GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND OR SPOUSE THEY WITH..ETC ETC.....YES INDEED THOSE TIMES BY YOUR LONESOME ARE PERFECT!
ITS TIMES LIKE THESE THAT BOTHER ME. LIKE TONIGHT. AND YES THOSE TIMES TOO WHEN I FEEL LIKE A LONELY LOST SOUL, EVEN AMONG A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE...THAT TIME I DON'T IMAGINE STORIES ABOUT MYSELF OR OTHERS. INSTEAD I RETREAT INTO A WORLD DEEP WITHIN MYSELF, AND I TRY SO HARD TO FIND MYSELF AGAIN SO I CAN GO HOME COMPLETE. AND THIS IS WHEN I FEEL LIKE THIS HUGE CHUNK HAS BEEN TAKEN OUT FROM ME BY FORCE AND I SEEM TO WANDER AROUND IN MY THOUGHTS, WORKING HARD TO FIND THAT PART AGAIN AND THEN THE STILLNESS HITS AND I REALISE HOW LOST AND LONELY I AM....AND I ASK GOD EVEN NOW...WHAT IS THIS EMPTINESS I FEEL? MY WORLD IS FULL OF PEOPLE AND YET..........!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?
WELL I GUESS LONELINESS IS PART OF LIFE, PART OF OUR DESTINY...THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I HATE IT LIKE NOW, AND THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I LOVE IT.... I WROTE THE FOLLOWING POEM LONG BACK, WHEN LONELINESS FIRST BECAME MY CONSTANT COMPANION.....WRITING THIS HAS MADE ME REMEMBER IT SO I DECIDED TO POST IT NOW.....STRANGE HOW AFTER SO MANY YEARS, SOME EMOTIONS LINGER ON IN OUR LIVES, AND COME BACK TO HAUNT US EVEN WHEN WE SO CLEVERLY THINK ITS GONE FOREVER.......
MY BEST FRIEND
YOU ARE IN THE WATER THAT WASHES OVER ME,
IN THE WIND THAT BLOWS AROUND ME,
IN THE AIR THAT I BREATHE IN,
YOU NEVER GO AWAY......
IN THE FIRE THAT BURNS INSIDE ME,
IN THE PART OF NATURE THAT I LOVE,
I FEEL YOU WHEN IM IN A CROWD,
YOU GRIP MY HEART IN MY MOMENTS OF SOLITUDE,
EVEN WHEN I LAUGH AND PLAY,
YOU REMIND ME YOU ARE HERE TO STAY,
I TAKE A MOMENT TO SALUTE YOU,
MY COMPANION, MY CONFIDANT, MY BEST FRIEND
LONELINESS!!!!
18.01.2002
"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
IVE READ STORIES WHERE THINGS ARE SAID LIKE..."IM IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, STILL I FEEL ALONE...." I REGARDED THESE LINES AS BULLSHIT AT FIRST. HOW CAN U FEEL ALONE WHEN U ARE WITH A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE?? SURELY THERE'S ONE PERSON WHO KNOWS YOU...WITH WHOM YOU CAN FIND COMPANIONSHIP FOR THE TIME YOU ARE THERE, THUS ELIMINATING THIS THOUGHT OF BEING ALONE?? WHAT CRAP I THOUGHT AT THAT TIME...WHAT NONSENSE ARE THESE WRITERS AND FILMAKERS FEEDING US? THIS WHOLE NOTION OF BEING ALONE IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE WAS A ROMANTIC IDEA BEING EXPLOITED BY THE MOVIE WORLD, AND BOUGHT INTO BY FOOLS CAUGHT UP IN THE EMOTIONAL DRAMAS OF THEIR LIVES, BOTH ROMANTIC AND NON ROMANTIC!!
WELL THAT WAS UNTIL I FOUND MYSELF SURROUNDED BY A STILLNESS THAT WAS EATING INTO MY BEING SLOWLY AND ONE DAY, I BECAME THAT PERSON THINKING...I FEEL ALONE EVEN WHEN I AM IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE. RIGHT NOW AS I RIGHT THIS, I SIT ALONE IN MY SANCTUARY, ALSO KNOWN AS MY BEDROOM...A LONELY, GHOSTLY FIGURE POUNDING AWAY AT HER LAPTOP KEYBOARD IN HER DIMLY LIT ROOM, WHILE HER MIND RACES TO WIN THE RACE HER HEART IS HAVING WITH THE STILLNESS, THE LONELINESS AROUND HER. BUT THE TRUTH IS, I FEEL ALONE EVEN WHEN I'M IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE....
JUST SITTING HERE ALONE NOW IS MAKING ME THINK ABOUT THIS. IT'S NOT TO SAY THAT I DON'T ENJOY MY OWN COMPANY...I DO! I LOVE THOSE WALKS I USED TO HAVE ON UMHLANGA BEACH ON SPRING MORNINGS, WHEN I USED TO WALK ON THE EDGE OF THE BREAKING WATER AND PRETEND I'M AN INDIAN PRINCESS WHO'S FEET THE WAVES CARESS LOVINGLY...THEN I WOULD SIT ON THE BENCH RIGHT NEXT TO THE LIGHTHOUSE AND DAY DREAM ABOUT SPENDING ROMANTIC MOMENTS IN SAID LIGHTHOUSE WITH MY MYSTERIOUS PRINCE...! I WOULD SIT FOR LONG ON THAT BENCH AND WATCH THE JOGGERS AND MOMS WITH BABIES IN PRAMS, THE FISHERMAN WHO WOULD GIVE ME A SMALL SMILE FROM TIME TO TIME! YES THOSE TIMES BY YOUR LONELY SELF IS JUST SUPERB! AND THE TIMES THAT I SPENT HAVING FRULLATOS AND EATING TOASTED CHICKEN AND MAYO SANDWICHES WHILE READING THROUGH THE ADVICE COLUMNS OF THE LADIES MAGAZINES AT MUGG AND BEAN, A PLACE I FREQUENT A LOT ESPECIALLY WHEN I EAT ALONE. EVEN THERE I SPEND MY TIME LOOKING AT MY FELLOW LUNCH EATERS, STUDYING THEIR FACES, MAKING UP STORIES ABOUT THEIR LIVES, WHO THEY WITH, WHETHER IT'S A GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND OR SPOUSE THEY WITH..ETC ETC.....YES INDEED THOSE TIMES BY YOUR LONESOME ARE PERFECT!
ITS TIMES LIKE THESE THAT BOTHER ME. LIKE TONIGHT. AND YES THOSE TIMES TOO WHEN I FEEL LIKE A LONELY LOST SOUL, EVEN AMONG A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE...THAT TIME I DON'T IMAGINE STORIES ABOUT MYSELF OR OTHERS. INSTEAD I RETREAT INTO A WORLD DEEP WITHIN MYSELF, AND I TRY SO HARD TO FIND MYSELF AGAIN SO I CAN GO HOME COMPLETE. AND THIS IS WHEN I FEEL LIKE THIS HUGE CHUNK HAS BEEN TAKEN OUT FROM ME BY FORCE AND I SEEM TO WANDER AROUND IN MY THOUGHTS, WORKING HARD TO FIND THAT PART AGAIN AND THEN THE STILLNESS HITS AND I REALISE HOW LOST AND LONELY I AM....AND I ASK GOD EVEN NOW...WHAT IS THIS EMPTINESS I FEEL? MY WORLD IS FULL OF PEOPLE AND YET..........!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE?
WELL I GUESS LONELINESS IS PART OF LIFE, PART OF OUR DESTINY...THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I HATE IT LIKE NOW, AND THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I LOVE IT.... I WROTE THE FOLLOWING POEM LONG BACK, WHEN LONELINESS FIRST BECAME MY CONSTANT COMPANION.....WRITING THIS HAS MADE ME REMEMBER IT SO I DECIDED TO POST IT NOW.....STRANGE HOW AFTER SO MANY YEARS, SOME EMOTIONS LINGER ON IN OUR LIVES, AND COME BACK TO HAUNT US EVEN WHEN WE SO CLEVERLY THINK ITS GONE FOREVER.......
MY BEST FRIEND
YOU ARE IN THE WATER THAT WASHES OVER ME,
IN THE WIND THAT BLOWS AROUND ME,
IN THE AIR THAT I BREATHE IN,
YOU NEVER GO AWAY......
IN THE FIRE THAT BURNS INSIDE ME,
IN THE PART OF NATURE THAT I LOVE,
I FEEL YOU WHEN IM IN A CROWD,
YOU GRIP MY HEART IN MY MOMENTS OF SOLITUDE,
EVEN WHEN I LAUGH AND PLAY,
YOU REMIND ME YOU ARE HERE TO STAY,
I TAKE A MOMENT TO SALUTE YOU,
MY COMPANION, MY CONFIDANT, MY BEST FRIEND
LONELINESS!!!!
18.01.2002
"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me."
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)
some ppl really love this much....an unending undying love
ReplyDeletedear Anonymous...thanks a lot for reading my blog and for ur comment. its much appreciated. nowdays i feel that love is highly over rated :-)
Deletetc
Lady S