And then there were 3......

I lost my brother on 24.08.15. He had suffered a stroke the year before and was in recovery. He suddenly got pains that night and passed away in the car on the way to hospital. I'm devastated by his loss. His death has unleashed an avalanche of emotions that I thought was locked away. I weep for a family lost. I have two sisters remaining, one of whom is ill a lot. I weep for the past. I'm haunted by memories of a family lost and broken away from each other. I weep for the pain I got through out my early years at home. I fear that I will be the last one to die. I do not want to be the last one. 

I am already on antidepressants since January 2015. This loss had deepened my depression. The problem from Jan has returned. A promise broken twice damages the soul in a harsh way. I can't trust anymore. I was told that what was done to me was not wrong. In a crying, sad, enraged, very hurt state one morning at 2am I took a knife to my wrist in sheer desperation. I was stopped from hurting myself. It's scary how I was seconds away. No one will understand the emotions of a suicidal person unless they have been through it. I get it now. How you beg to be understood. How you beg for the other person to be reasonable so your sanity remains. How you are pushed to the edge, how you are made to feel like you are thrash, like you deserve to be punished this way. You scream for justice till your throat hurts. Adrenaline was pumping through me as the denial went on. I begged. Nothing. I ran around my room as the energy surged through my tired body. I had being crying since hours before. I tried sooooo hard to control myself. I tried to run away from the knife drawer. It was as if I had no control over my body. My mind was saying NO PLEASE STOP!!!! My body heard nothing. It was like someone else had control of me. I was terrified yet I couldn't stop myself. 

Why must people wait until you almost hurt yourself before they stop giving you pain. Why is this life so hard at times? On top of everything else I get nightmares. I sleepwalk, I hallucinate while dreaming and I often wake up screaming. Now the depression is worse. I'm just started seeing a psychologist. Too early to see any results. I have been promised that things will change for the better. Let's see. Problem is, I've heard this promise a few times before. 

 

Meanwhile I eat non stop or I don't eat much. I sleep a lot or I'm wide awake a lot. I drank wine after ten years. To make the ache go away. It worked but for a short time. The pain never goes away. People think I'm deliberately bringing up the past. Not true. I don't know how to handle the betrayal so I keep wondering how and why it happened. Is there something wrong with me? Why am I not respected? Why am I not loved enough to be number one so that I'm always put before others? Why am I lied to? Why am I hurt again and again? Why am I chosen over others? Why am I forgotten so fast? Why why why?

Thank you for reading....wishing you peace and love

From a very sad Lady S 😔