THOUGHT OF THE DAY

                     



                                                         YESTERDAY'S HAPPENINGS


WATCHED A MOVIE. ONE SCENE MADE ME CRY AND I WANTED TO JUST LET  OUT MY FRUSTRATIONS....CRY MY HEART OUT LOUDLY BUT OFF COURSE THAT WAS NOT POSSIBLE IN THE CINEMA. THE PLAN WAS TO GO TO THE BEACH THIS MORNING AND LET RIP BUT I WOKE  UP LATE.  IM ALWAYS UNABLE TO CRY WHEN I HAVE THE NEED TO. AND WHEN I WANT TO...IT NEVER WORKS OUT. THE FRUSTRATION REMAINS INSIDE. 

I want to go tomorrow but it is raining cats and dogs atm and 100% chance of rain at sunrise soooooooooo. no crying on the beach. Story of my life.

Today was a restful day. Im busy with wedding preparations. its stressful but at least it keeps my mind busy most days. 

The chest longs for love but the heart hates it. The eyes seek a soulful glance but the head hates it. why wish for the impossible? Love is betrayal. Pain that rips the very fabric of your soul. Its good for other humans but NOT for me. The arms long to hug and be hugged tightly, close, so strongly that the breath stops for a minute. But the body rejects all thoughts of being held close. There are lies in close hugs. Hurt. Falseness. Fake gesture. But that scene in the movie where she goes close to his face and says...just admit you also love me....and he pulls her in for a huge tight hug...it made me want that just for a second. I wanted that closeness just for a second. I wanted to feel that love...to be loved like that just for a second. 

How lucky are those that find their true love. If you have found yours, don't let it go. fight for it. nuture it. keep it going. Never give up on it. 

Thank you for reading.
Peace and Love
Lady S

The Grieving Process

                            How do i do this

My 61 yr old cousin died today. A third heart attack in the early morning.  And i don't know how to grieve.

She moved in with us when she was 8yrs old. We were a family until around 8 years ago when we grew apart. I tried to help her but she betrayed me. Did things...spoke things behind my back . Spoke lies. I felt hurt and stayed away. There was no appreciation for all that i had done. I chose to not be used by her again.

I did see her just over a year ago when she had her first attack. That was the last time . Today im sitting in my daughter's garden contemplating my reaction. I have no tears. Others around me are having breakdowns.  They have spent so little time with her compared to my time with her. Yet i feel no loss. My heart is numb.

Have i become cruel? Heartless? Or am i just fed up of the fakeness around me? Fedup of the lies? Of how despite all that I did, i was treated like dirt?

Im torn. I want to cry for the woman i grew up with. Yet the pain caused by her in later life is overwhelming me. Forcing me to see the reality of life. It goes on, despite everything. 

She forgot all the good i did. All the help i gave her. She does not deserve my tears. They are too precious to be wasted on someone who had neither love nor respect for me or my children. 

I pray that she is in peace wherever she may be. But grieve i cannot. I cannot fake tears. This is my reality.

Thanks for reading
Lady S