How do i do this
My 61 yr old cousin died today. A third heart attack in the early morning. And i don't know how to grieve.
She moved in with us when she was 8yrs old. We were a family until around 8 years ago when we grew apart. I tried to help her but she betrayed me. Did things...spoke things behind my back . Spoke lies. I felt hurt and stayed away. There was no appreciation for all that i had done. I chose to not be used by her again.
I did see her just over a year ago when she had her first attack. That was the last time . Today im sitting in my daughter's garden contemplating my reaction. I have no tears. Others around me are having breakdowns. They have spent so little time with her compared to my time with her. Yet i feel no loss. My heart is numb.
Have i become cruel? Heartless? Or am i just fed up of the fakeness around me? Fedup of the lies? Of how despite all that I did, i was treated like dirt?
Im torn. I want to cry for the woman i grew up with. Yet the pain caused by her in later life is overwhelming me. Forcing me to see the reality of life. It goes on, despite everything.
She forgot all the good i did. All the help i gave her. She does not deserve my tears. They are too precious to be wasted on someone who had neither love nor respect for me or my children.
I pray that she is in peace wherever she may be. But grieve i cannot. I cannot fake tears. This is my reality.
Thanks for reading
Lady S
No comments:
Post a Comment