this made me tear up, its so accurate...author unknown to me...

WHEN ANXIETY IS UNBEARABLE

22 JULY 2021

MY ANXIETY HAS HIT THE ROOF WITH THE CURRENT UNREST.  MY AREA IS CLASSIFIED VOLATILE AS RACIAL TENSION MOUNTS. I CANNOT EAT OR SLEEP.  MY DOCTOR HAS PRESCRIBED TRANQUILIZERS IN ADDITION TO 2 ANXIETY MEDICATIONS THAT I AM ALREADY ON FOR SOMETIME.  

MY GREATEST FEAR IS FOR THE SAFETY OF MY CHILDREN AND GRANDSON. ONE OF MY SONS LIVES WITH ME AND IM TERRIFIED FOR HIS SAFETY. LUCKILY,  THE OTHER KIDS AND GRANDSON IS IN A SAFER NEIGHBORHOOD. 

MY APPOINTMENT WITH MY THERAPIST GOT POSTPONED TODAY. I UNDERSTOOD HER EMERGENCY.  BUT MY HEART POUNDED, I HAD TO TALK MYSELF INTO UNDERSTANDING THAT I WILL SEE HER TOMORROW.  I WANT TO OVERCOME THIS. SO A SESSION WITH HER IS OF THE UTMOST URGENCY TO ME. I ALSO STARTED MEDITATING TO CALM DOWN. DID SOME GARDENING TODAY TO DIVERT MY MIND.  TRIED TO NAP IN THE DAY. MANAGED ONLY A SHORT AMOUNT OF TIME.  THEN CAME THE NEWS OF LOAD SHEDDING.  MY HEART RACED. VULNERABILITY. I PLAYED A GAME ON MY TABLET TO OCCUPY MY MIND. BROWSED RECIPES ON INSTAGRAM.  MANAGED TO STAY CALM FOR A BIT. REMINDED MYSELF THAT I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER THE SITUATION.  GOING TO TRY EXERCISING AND OTHER CREATIVE HOBBIES TO STAY POSITIVE. 

ONLY THOSE THAT GO THROUGH THIS WILL UNDERSTAND WHAT IT REALLY FEELS LIKE. LOSING CONTROL OF YOUR SHIT. LIKE HAVING A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.  WRITING HELPS A BIT.  I REALIZE THAT I HAVE THIS SINCE CHILDHOOD.  I JUST NEVER RECOGNIZED WHAT IT WAS. 

BEING AN EMPATH DOESN'T HELP. I AM ABSORBING ALL THE FEAR AND NEGATIVE ENERGY.  BUT IM WORKING HARD NOW ON GETTING BETTER. MEDS, THERAPY,  HOBBIES, ETC. 

I NEED TO LET GO OF ALL NEGATIVE THOUGHTS. SPREAD LIGHT. BE MOTIVATED.  BE CALM. BE CLEAR HEADED.  GETTING ILL AND GOING TO HOSPITAL IS A NIGHTMARE DUE TO CORONAVIRUS.  SO THIS MIX BAG OF EMOTIONS IN MY HEAD AND HEART HAS TO STOP BEFORE IT DESTROYS ME COMPLETELY. 

BE SAFE WHEREVER YOU ARE #ANXIETY #UNREST #DEPRESSION #BESAFE

THANKS FOR READING 

PEACE AND LOVE 

LADY S

shakilla.singh@gmail.com 

UREST IN SOUTH AFRICA. 12 JULY 2020

There was Mayhem here. Chaos.  Violence.  Looting. Killing.  Protecting.  Patrolling. Panic. Burning. Looting. Stealing. Audacity. Mocking while Looting. Looting food then immediately wasting it. Gunshots.  Sirens. 

For an anxious personality like me,  there was panic. Fear. Screaming inside my head. Flashbacks. Worry for kids. Worry for grandkids. Tears. Palpitations.  Sweating. Sugar lows. Nightmares. No sleep.  Hallucinations.  Lack of appetite.  

After a WEEK AM  on tranquilizers in addition to 2 other anxiety medications.  Still have fear. Jittery. Inside my head, I am running around in circles.  Crying. Screaming. 

Wanted to leave this place from before the Mayhem. No one listens to me. No one calms me down. No hugs. No concern for my mental state. No assurance.  But everyone is going through the shitshow here. It's worse on me due to my chronic anxiety. 

I started looking at emigration.  At the very least,  moving to a different place. Lack of support and empathy makes me try harder to keep quiet and calm down.  That's easier said than done. 

I have no qualifications.  No retirement fund. No money of my own. My suggestions hold no value.  

This is another time when I hate myself for not being educated enough. When you have no money, you have nothing. If I had money to contribute,  my ideas would have been taken seriously long ago when I said let's move. 

So I pray.  Keep my faith regardless.  Stay medicated. Try very hard to keep my head down, my mouth shut. Just waiting to die really. Waiting to die. 

I pray you are safe wherever in the world you are.

Thanks for reading #anxiety #unrest #help

Peace and love

LADY S

WHERE AM I ????

Ever so often, I ask myself,  Where is the real me?? Where am I, where is my authentic self? The girl who had a contagious laugh, who sang her way through life's challenges,  who wanted to be a nurse, get her own flat, a car..... so many dreams lost and forgotten.  Tucked away in the folds of my heart.  

I was bubbly,  happy. Life changes you over the years and suddenly you look up one day and you are not you. You look the same, you sound the same, you behave in the same manner but your soul....aaah your soul changes. I am someone else.  The real me suppressed deep down somewhere.  Surfacing now and then, remembering who I am and then drowning again. Tangled and held down again. By life's circumstances, by my current choices, by destiny, by life itself.  Wondering if I will ever be free again.... will my heart dance again,will my soul smile..... will I be whole again, will I ever be ME again.......

Sometimes you have to change and adapt to survive, keep the peace.  But I do wish I was free to just really,  truly, LIVE.  BEFORE I DIE, TO JUST BE MY AUTHENTIC SELF.

picture credit goes to pinterest. Thank you for reading. 

Love and peace 

LADY S

shakilla.singh@gmail.com 

PANIC MODE

Covid hit home for me 15 days ago. I went to my psycologist's appointment.  Spent 1 min  in reception.  2 days later, they called to say that she tested positive for covid 19.  I had my mask on and sanitized before and after my session,  she did not wear her mask. Luckily I had no symptoms so my GP suggested no testing but 14 day quarantine. It's scary to think that you may have It but thank God I am safe and so is my family...

However the panic scenario got bad. Fear, plus feeling bad for the other people at home, plus overthinking, feeling sorry for myself.... I had some hallucinations...insomnia.... it is hectic.

I tried to talk to a few people about it but when I called them...they either just droned on about themselves,  with no sympathy or empathy for me or refused to listen to me, totally ignoring my feelings or just not talking. So my apprehension grows daily.  I distract my mind with meditation,  audiobooks, Facebook and social media.  Nothing works.  I had wine. Helped me to sleep on 1 night only, rest of the nights I'm wide awake. 

So no one to turn to. This loneliness will kill me someday.  I wish sooner. I'm tired of living like this.  So tired. 

I missed my niece's wedding due to high risk plus my daughter's pregnant and I can't put her at risk. But I do feel sad at it. I feel weepy. I have no one to tell though. Not even the therapist now. I'm internalizing all my suffering and I don't know how it will come out. I'm afraid of my panic attacks.  My nightmare might return, my hallucinations too. A downward spiral. I need a lucky break.  An outlet. When will all this end......

Thanks for reading 

Peace and Love

LADY S ♥️

PEACE

Please tell me, LORD,

That when I die, this great gift will be mine, 

No more dark PIT, Just light to shine, 

To cut all cords,  

That bring discord, 

And with SWEET DEATH, 

I will definitely get, 

My bountiful basket, 

Of PEACE, PEACE, PEACE!!!!! 

LOCKDOWN EXTENDED

SO LOCKDOWN is extended to  end April for now.   As it is in most countries . I think it will go further. But it's for our own safety.  

Thus far the ffg has happened,.,.

I'm deep cleaning the house once a week as my helper cannot come to work. And itS HELL.  I got locked in my bathroom. The key broke in the lock. Luckily there was a spare key. I made bran muffins... mutton curry and rice.. I had a hayfever attack...we had a family zoom chat which ws excellent.  I wanted to cry as I miss my kids a lot. I listened to motivational talks on youtube. Doing meditations to stay calm... made parsadh for Hanuman Jayanti but got depressed when I couldn't send for my kids. Gulab jamuns came out rock hard.  Tired playing my harmonium not much success. Did a karaoke recoding of the Hanuman chalisa.. ordered groceries online.  Takes forever to come.  Might need to make a trip to the supermarket but am dreading it . Too risky. 

Easter weekend came. Baked easter nest cupcakes and a  marble loaf. Had a small braai on sunday. Needed a sense of normality in all this chaos. But missed my other kids tremendously.  Doing meditations to heal the planet. Not sure if it will help but it's better than doing nothing. 

Stopped watching the news and online videos on corona . It's very scary and depressing.  Trying to be positive and as normal as possible.  Not panic.  

If you need to chat to me my email is shakilla.singh@gmail.com.  drop me a line.

Thanks for reading.  I wish you safety and calmness.  Please stay indoors. Stay safe. 

Peace and love 

Lady S ❣