TAKE ME HOME

                                  TAKE ME HOME


   MY HEART CRIES, MY EYES WEEP,
   I WANT TO LIVE NO MORE..
   INSIDE I BEAR A DEEP SADNESS,
   THE PAIN GROWS MORE AND MORE,
   THIS LIFE I WANT TO LIVE BEHIND 
   AND TO MY FATHER GO...
   HE'LL HOLD ME, LOVE ME, I WILL BE
   JUDGED NO MORE.....
   I LIE BROKEN IN BED EACH NIGHT,
   WISHING THE PAIN AWAY,
   EACH DAY DAWNS WITH 
   GREATER SADNESS, 
   DEVOID OF PEACE AND HAPPINESS,
   MAKE IT STOP DEAR GOD,
   TAKE ME HOME,
    I BEG OF YOU.....

                                




    

MY BEST FRIEND

ITS 1.11AM,  SATURDAY, 2 JULY 2011....ONCE AGAIN THE WORLD AROUND ME IS ASLEEP AND ITS JUST ME AND MY LAPPY...


IVE READ STORIES WHERE THINGS ARE SAID LIKE..."IM IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE, STILL I FEEL ALONE...."  I REGARDED THESE LINES AS BULLSHIT AT FIRST. HOW CAN U FEEL ALONE WHEN U ARE WITH A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE?? SURELY THERE'S ONE PERSON WHO KNOWS YOU...WITH WHOM YOU CAN FIND COMPANIONSHIP FOR THE TIME YOU ARE THERE, THUS ELIMINATING THIS THOUGHT OF BEING ALONE?? WHAT CRAP I THOUGHT AT THAT TIME...WHAT NONSENSE ARE THESE WRITERS AND FILMAKERS FEEDING US? THIS WHOLE NOTION OF BEING ALONE IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE WAS A ROMANTIC IDEA BEING EXPLOITED BY THE MOVIE WORLD, AND BOUGHT INTO BY FOOLS CAUGHT UP IN THE EMOTIONAL DRAMAS OF THEIR LIVES, BOTH ROMANTIC AND NON ROMANTIC!!


WELL THAT WAS UNTIL I FOUND MYSELF SURROUNDED BY A STILLNESS THAT WAS EATING INTO MY BEING SLOWLY AND ONE DAY, I BECAME THAT PERSON THINKING...I FEEL ALONE EVEN WHEN I AM IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE. RIGHT NOW AS I RIGHT THIS, I SIT ALONE IN MY SANCTUARY, ALSO KNOWN AS MY BEDROOM...A LONELY, GHOSTLY FIGURE POUNDING AWAY AT HER LAPTOP KEYBOARD IN HER DIMLY LIT ROOM, WHILE HER MIND RACES TO WIN THE RACE HER HEART IS HAVING WITH THE STILLNESS, THE LONELINESS AROUND HER. BUT THE TRUTH IS, I FEEL ALONE EVEN WHEN I'M IN A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE....


JUST SITTING HERE ALONE NOW IS MAKING ME THINK ABOUT THIS. IT'S NOT TO SAY THAT I DON'T ENJOY MY OWN COMPANY...I DO!  I LOVE THOSE WALKS I USED TO HAVE ON UMHLANGA BEACH ON SPRING MORNINGS, WHEN I USED TO WALK ON THE EDGE OF THE BREAKING WATER AND PRETEND I'M AN INDIAN PRINCESS WHO'S FEET THE WAVES CARESS LOVINGLY...THEN I WOULD SIT ON THE BENCH RIGHT NEXT TO THE LIGHTHOUSE AND DAY DREAM ABOUT SPENDING ROMANTIC MOMENTS IN SAID LIGHTHOUSE WITH MY MYSTERIOUS PRINCE...!  I WOULD SIT FOR LONG ON THAT BENCH AND WATCH THE JOGGERS AND MOMS WITH BABIES IN PRAMS, THE FISHERMAN WHO WOULD GIVE ME A SMALL SMILE FROM TIME TO TIME! YES THOSE TIMES BY YOUR LONELY SELF IS JUST SUPERB!  AND THE TIMES THAT I SPENT HAVING FRULLATOS AND EATING TOASTED CHICKEN AND MAYO SANDWICHES WHILE READING THROUGH THE ADVICE COLUMNS  OF THE LADIES MAGAZINES AT MUGG AND BEAN, A PLACE I FREQUENT A LOT ESPECIALLY WHEN I EAT ALONE. EVEN THERE I SPEND MY TIME LOOKING AT MY FELLOW LUNCH EATERS, STUDYING THEIR FACES, MAKING UP STORIES ABOUT THEIR LIVES, WHO THEY WITH, WHETHER IT'S A GIRLFRIEND OR BOYFRIEND OR SPOUSE THEY WITH..ETC ETC.....YES INDEED THOSE TIMES BY YOUR LONESOME ARE PERFECT! 


ITS TIMES LIKE THESE THAT BOTHER ME. LIKE TONIGHT. AND YES THOSE TIMES TOO WHEN I FEEL LIKE A LONELY LOST SOUL, EVEN AMONG A ROOM FULL OF PEOPLE...THAT TIME I DON'T IMAGINE STORIES ABOUT MYSELF OR OTHERS. INSTEAD I RETREAT INTO A WORLD DEEP WITHIN MYSELF, AND I TRY SO HARD TO FIND MYSELF AGAIN SO I CAN GO HOME COMPLETE. AND THIS IS WHEN I FEEL LIKE THIS HUGE CHUNK HAS BEEN TAKEN OUT FROM ME BY FORCE AND I SEEM TO WANDER AROUND IN MY THOUGHTS, WORKING HARD TO FIND THAT PART AGAIN AND THEN THE STILLNESS HITS AND I REALISE HOW LOST AND LONELY I AM....AND I ASK GOD EVEN NOW...WHAT IS THIS EMPTINESS I FEEL? MY WORLD IS FULL OF PEOPLE AND YET..........!! HOW IS THIS POSSIBLE? 


WELL I GUESS LONELINESS IS PART OF LIFE, PART OF OUR DESTINY...THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I HATE IT LIKE NOW, AND THERE ARE TIMES WHEN I LOVE IT.... I WROTE THE FOLLOWING POEM LONG BACK, WHEN LONELINESS FIRST BECAME MY CONSTANT COMPANION.....WRITING THIS HAS MADE ME REMEMBER IT SO I DECIDED TO POST IT NOW.....STRANGE HOW AFTER SO MANY YEARS, SOME EMOTIONS LINGER ON IN OUR LIVES, AND COME BACK TO HAUNT US EVEN WHEN WE SO CLEVERLY THINK ITS GONE FOREVER.......




                                        MY BEST FRIEND


YOU ARE IN THE WATER THAT WASHES OVER ME, 
IN THE WIND THAT BLOWS AROUND ME,
IN THE AIR THAT I BREATHE IN,
YOU NEVER GO AWAY......
IN THE FIRE THAT BURNS INSIDE ME,
IN THE PART OF NATURE THAT I LOVE,


I FEEL YOU WHEN IM IN A CROWD,
YOU GRIP MY HEART IN MY MOMENTS OF SOLITUDE,
EVEN WHEN I LAUGH AND PLAY,
YOU REMIND ME YOU ARE HERE TO STAY,
I TAKE A MOMENT TO SALUTE YOU,
MY COMPANION, MY CONFIDANT, MY BEST FRIEND
LONELINESS!!!!


18.01.2002




"I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me." 
— Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

STRAIGHT FROM THE HEART

                                                      


                                                      I LONG FOR JUST ONE GAZE
                                                      FROM HER SWEET, LOVING EYES,
                                                      I LONG TO BE HELD FOREVER
                                                      IN HER WARM, SOOTHING EMBRACE,
                                                      I WISH FOR THE SWEETEST KISS GOODNIGHT
                                                      FROM HER SOFT, GENTLE LIPS,
                                                      I WISH TO BE HELD TIGHTLY
                                                      IN HER LONG, CARING HUG.....
                                                      JUST ONE LOOK, ONE KISS, ONE HUG FROM HER
                                                      AND MY WORLD WILL SMILE AGAIN....
                                                      DEAR GOD, PLEASE COME TO ME
                                                      IN THE FORM OF A MOTHER..........

sleepless in south africa

                                                   SLEEPLESS IN SOUTH AFRICA


Its 4am and i am  wide awake!! AGAIN...uff! i was soooo sleepy then after my sleep broke, its hard to sleep again and no matter how hard u try to not think about daily routine stuff, you end up thinking too much and ur mind is wide awake..and u online reading blogs and writing!!  I have sum errands to complete today and i need to be alert to drive myself around..hope i dont snooze at the wheel! 


So what can one do to sleep again? ive tried hot milk b4, watching movies, reading....attention span at 4am is limited!  I will watch a movie maybe bt i can already hear my brain protesting and my mind is creating an image that clearly shows me getting bored after 5 mins..having a mental picture of what will happen will surely make that my reality so no movie i guess. Sleep is one of the pleasures of life that i simply adore! i recall sleeping for hours as a teenager. the time in between living in the uninterrupted world of teenagers to being a mom to 3 children has been peppered with so many sleepless nights and now that i am free to sleep whenever i want to and how late i want to, sleep eludes me. The irony of life...! 


Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and go to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes wakes Watson up.

"Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you deduce."
Watson says, "I see millions of stars and even if a few of those have planets, it's quite likely there are some planets like Earth, and if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

Holmes replied: "Watson, you idiot, somebody stole our tent!"






yawnnnnn!  maybe pretending will help...have a good day all...! 


peace and love


Lady S

CAN'T SLEEP

                         CAN'T SLEEP


It's 1.55am, wednesday, 1 June 2011..my sleep broke in a weird and "jerky" manner at 12.30am..i felt lost and disorientated. It took me abt 30mins to feel myself back in my body. When i was abruptly awakened by God knows what, it felt like i was lost in an alien world. My bed, yes, my walls, yes, my cupboards, yes, my duvet, yes, not my body. Not my thoughts, not me! For a few moments, it was like i was looking at myself from outside my mind, yet still in my body. I sifted my thoughts, tried to analyse the gazillion thoughts that were fighting for my attention. Then i did what i do best in times like this. I wrote down my feelings as a poem and i came online to write this. Somehow writing grounds me, sorts out my confusions and neutralizes my crazy thought patterns. Some people wakeup in the middle of the night and have a bowl of ice cream, some may call a loved and chat for hours on the phone, others soothe themselves with music. For me, writing is the balm which cools and calms my soul when it gets blown about by the rough winds of life. 


The way i see it, people stay awake for two reasons mainly. When they are extremely happy or when they are extremely sad. Ive been awake for both reasons in the past. Right now im overjoyed as my only daughter just got engaged. Im juggling my days with preparations for her engagement celebrations which will happen in exactly 10 days time. Im thrilled to be planning this event as the lovely couple have graciously handed over all the details of this exciting day to moi! I love planning and executing events, especially happy ones. People who know scorpions, will know that we scorpions are not just a pretty face with stings! Scorpions love to delegate. We make great organisers and are born LEADERS!! In other words, we tell people what to do and we love it! Well im using my scorpion skills to the fullest and im enjoying every minute of it.


Now if i can only order miss sleep to take me to dreamland. That would be nice. And place a side order of sweet dreamz with sprinkles of magic and love and happy vibes, topped with a humongous layer of nut filled chocolate that i can eat all night while floating on clouds of whispery cotton candy...YUMMY YUM YUM!


Alas miss sleep didnt get my order..i dozed off for a little while but was wide awake again and the last time i looked at my room clock, it was 4.20am. 


Plan to make myself dog tired today and hopefully will get some sleep tonight! but to be continued.......


peace and love
Lady S

SERENDIPITY

                                                            
                                                        SERENDIPITY


I watched the movie SERENDIPITY for the second or third time yesterday. And i thouroughly enjoyed it yet again. I have been pondering the workings of the Universe for sometime now. Are things already pre planned? Or do we have a choice in our own destiny? Is there an Unseen Force that has already mapped our lifepath, down to the finest details like which chocolate we like or if we love the smell of the earth after the first summer rain or if we will marry and whom we will marry? Or are these things my own decision?? I agree with the heroine in this movie. Her view is that some parts are our own choice but mostly, it is destiny already chosen for us by FATE...hhmmmm......point to ponder...


The movie talks about looking out for signs from the universe and following its guidance. Strangely, after watching this, i was debating this point by myself, in my head where i always have conversations with myself...and i picked up the newspaper. There was a front page article about a man finding and rescuing a beached baby dolphin. How noble i thought...and upon further perusing of the report, i discovered, much to my amusement, that the boat used to transport the baby dolphin back to the ocean,  was named SERENDIPITY!!!  HA!!  I smiled to myself. I had just one minute ago questioned the message of the movie, and now i had seen the word SERENDIPITY glaring at me from a newspaper article...well this is how the universe sends us messages, via any means that can get our attention, like the daily paper, tv shows, interviews, number plates, advertisements, etc etc....


In the Indian movie OM SHANTI OM, the hero,  in a drunken state, tells his best friend that if you make a sincere wish to the universe, and if that wish is meant to be yours, then the universe will move mountains to bring your wish to you...to grant you your unselfish desire, you just have to look out for the signs that will direct you to your dream...hhhmmmm....this is what THE SECRET also teaches us...ask, believe, receive....


But in my experience, sometimes the signs are misread by us. Or we send out the wrong message to the Universe,,,i find often, that i receive signs, only to realise later, that i have misread the signs....someone should write a book explaining the signs to us. Telling us how to read them. We are a nation who lives by rules, regulations and instructions. From birth we are instructed to learn, eat, play, study, work. In adulthood we follow the rules of our companys, our spouses, our familys, of society. Why then is there no instruction booklet for life? Why is there no manual that tells you how to recognise which signs are for you? If only life was this simple........!!


The trick is to make your own rulebook, which will apply only to yourself. I have found that the signs come. I just choose to ignore them. Like when my car key broke as i hurried to go out one day four years ago. I stopped for just ONE second and thought, is this a message that i should not drive this car now? I knew the answer was YES but stubborn me didnt listen. 15 mins later, i was in a serious accident in which my car was written off....thinking back, i see many such incidents where the Universe was talking to me and i refused to listen In my first blog entry, LOST DREAMS, i asked the question...why does my dreams come true for other people? I received the answer to this when i read the book SIMPLE ABUNDANCE by SARAH BAN BREATHNACH, which i got as a christmas gift 2 weeks ago. In it, Sarah explains that the universe comes calling, and we refuse to take the call. The universe gifts us opoortunity, which we turn down because we are too busy doing other stuff at that time and we say to the universe, not now, maybe later but i cant do that now. This message resonated with my soul instantly and i could see in my heart, all the times that i have been guilty of doing this, of refusing to follow the rulebook of the universe. I have denied myself so many wonderful gifts from the order of life....many times the universe has made that phone call to me but ive said no, not now, im too busy right now, i cant do that just yet.....but no more. This year, i have taken a decision to follow the path destiny has chosen for me. I will make decisions yes, and i know that I am given choices every single minute. Like Im choosing to write this now and you are choosing to continue reading. Thank you for that. I will make my own life choice whenever possible. At all other times, i will surrender to the Universe and follow its lead. Lets see what the new year brings. To you and you loved ones, i wish 
PEACE and HARMONY and a PROSPEROUS, SUCCESSFUL 2011......


Peace and Love
Lady S